What do I want to be when I grow up?

This is a question that most of us think about as we grow up. I have come to the conclusion that I must never have grown up because I have no clue as to what I want to do with my life. It's really a question of what I'd be good at doing I guess.

  When I was younger I always wanted to be an archaeologist. It seemed interesting, and thanks to Indiana Jones, a little bit glamourous. In all honesty it was my love of ancient history and mythology that seemed to fuel this. Now I'm a little bit more of a realist. I consider the fact that I really can't go galavanting all over the world and leaving my family behind.  Also, I'm pretty sure that I couldn't support my family on any type of salary that  I would get in that type of field, especially just starting out.  Someone suggested taking my love of history and use it to pursue teaching, in effect transfer that love to another generation. I'm pretty sceptical about that because, although I have children of my own, in general I don't like kids. I never really have, not other people's kids anyways.

So then we have the dilemna of deciding what else I would be good at. And that's where I'm stuck. I know that lots of people are stuck in jobs/careers that they hate, and I don't want to  be that person. So that's where I stand at this time. I'm lost and I never grew up, at least not in the ways that most people do.

It does make a little bit of sense.

I've been thinking about some more stuff. I thought about why I have a problem forcing myself to do anything that benefits me and my family. I had a meeting with my 16 year old daughter's guidance counselor yesterday. Mrs. Nelson, the counselor, was extremely nice. The reason for the meeting was that Meghan wanted to drop out of school. Here in Florida, anyone under 18 needs parental permission to drop out of school. So we had this meeting, and listening to the counselor talk about Meg I came to realize somethings about myself. They may not be accurate or even close to the real reason, but it sort of make sense to me.

I thought that maybe the reason I won't do anything is because I'm afraid of failure. If I don't try anything I can't fail at it. As long as I only do those things that come easy to me I can't fail at all. Why would I want to go through life never being challenged at all? 

Then I thought about something else. Why do I always look for instant acknowledgement and/or affermation about anything I accomplish? Shouldn't my own sense of accomplishment be enough. I'm not saying that acknowledgement and praise aren't good and worthwhile things, but I always seem to want these things right away. When I don't get them I don't feel as if I have accomplished or contributed anything.

I don't understand these things at all. Maybe challenging myself and putting myself in different situations would help, but I'm still leery about doing that. I'm trying though.